It’s now time to get into partner workouts for your ED treatment. If you do not have a partner you can practice these with a surrogate partner or do them when you do get a partner.
Now, you may be one of the lucky ones where you did not have any serious partner issues and are treating your ED and enjoying sex with your partner. You may also have involved your partner in previous workouts or in discussions to determine your Unique Situation Condition Fac-tors(USCFs). So, you may well ask, why do this Step? Even if you are enjoying sex with your partner, there is useful material on partner variables and some of the workouts may introduce some new sex encounter experiences that can add to your mutual enjoyment of sex.
If you are still treating your ED, these partner workouts are great to build your confidence and enhance your relationship.
Recall how ED is sometimes described as: between a man’s ears, legs and partner. This is the very complex partner bit and to get the most out of this Step you need to look at some partner variables and issues that will arise. I have tried to be as comprehensive as possible because they are as unique as you and your partner are.
The onset of ED is a major life-changing event for any relationship. It is not just the man’s problem, it becomes the couple’s problem. Therefore, both have to participate in identifying the source, empowering themselves with the knowledge and treating it effectively. Unless you have the perfect relationship, nearly every reaction from your partner will tend to aggravate your ED. I can’t say it often enough: Knowledge, properly understood and applied, is power. So, you must know what to treat and, if you are in a relationship, you have to become aware of your relationship variables. There are many relationship variables that can come into play so it’s worthwhile reviewing some common ones you may be able to identify with:
1. A perfect partner with a good relationship will indicate that it happens and that you both have to face your new physical situation and that the closeness and tenderness of any sexual relationship is more important. If only all Janes were like this! However, as nobody is perfect and everyone is prone to throwing the occasional tantrum, even the most sensitive partner will occasionally display disappointment, and even frustration. This in turn puts the onus on the man to realise that every now and then, he has to live with the tantrum. It’s not the end of the world and he is not alone. More importantly, it shouldn’t be allowed to start feeding his own Performance Anxiety.
2. A few partners react angrily and critically, which has a deeper source in the relationship. Such reactions compound the problem and as with all issues we have to go to the source of the problem: the relationship.
3. Some partners will ignore the issue. This can develop from two pre-existing situations:
a. Playing the “Ignore Game”. Both parties perpetuate the issue by doing nothing This is a sign of a poor relationship as they each lack the relationship intensity to face up to the issues that weaken their relationship and try to fix it.
b. The situation where the woman has never been particularly interested in sex and only participated out of love for her man. She may quietly welcome the man’s ED as she now has more opportunity to avoid sex.
4. In some unhealthy relationships the woman is happy for her man’s new condition. This sometimes happens where the woman wants to control him. The problem here is that she thrives in the new relationship situation and is not keen to deal with its source and to treat it. If your Jane has been complaining about your sex input for a long time, the more likely it is she might enjoy the control she gains from exploiting your new inadequacy.
5. In most cases, the reverse applies. A man’s ED may make the woman feel there is something wrong with her! Especially at the initial ED stages, some women decide the reason her man’s Dick cannot erect is that he doesn’t find her attractive any more, has stopped loving her or, has found another girl!
So, it is important to become aware of any shift in the balance of power in a relationship – sexual or otherwise. It can expose all kinds of hidden or unspoken conflicts and tensions. You may be surprised at all these inter-personal possibilities. Who knew life could be so complicated? We haven’t even finished yet and here is a very important one to be aware of.
It is often referred to as the Post Coital non Intimacy Trap. We have come across this issue before as the Double Whammy but I would like to repeat it in this section on Relationship Variables. In Step 5 we discussed that men and women have different sex agendas and expectations. Women seek intimacy before and after sex whilst men seek intimacy through sex.
Here is how it manifests itself:
After another take-off failure by your Dick, you may beat yourself up, apologise and even worse, withdraw emotionally. This is simply allowing your ED condition to drive an emotional wedge through your relationship. Your ED condition thrives on you not worrying about her emotional needs. Now think about it from her point of view. Not only did she not get your Dick erect and penetration, but she is left with an emotional void. It’s only fair to try and understand this and give her the intimacy she craves. So, ignore your masculine predisposition that all that lovey-dovey stuff is a waste of perfectly good drinking time. When you discover how much better served your Dick’s needs are within the context of a well-tuned relationship based on shared sexual satisfaction you will conquer ED.
If you can identify with any of these relationship variables, you can see the pitfalls that can arise. If not, then assess your relationship variables and try and understand where you are and why. I cannot stress enough the importance of identifying the relationship variables that apply to you because, if you don’t, any partner ED treatment will struggle to be effective and probably fail.
The great news is that it if you identify your relationship variables and resolve them, doing these workouts together can bring you much closer together and you can experience new levels of intimacy. I have also come across couples who took the plunge and actually developed their relationship from this Step.
So, it is crucial to become aware of your relationship variables and to address any bad ones. There is only one crucial ingredient for this: good communication.